I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
she comes in perfect pitch. hook up with more singers.
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
I don't think Buddha would recommend a sexscpade across Mexico
Well I've decided to refuse to conform to society and be naked the rest of the day.
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
Randomize
