made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
The only thing in that hotel room that we didn't fuck on was the roof
Although, I did get to see a Raiders fan and his toothless girlfriend get roughed up by the police and dragged out of the stadium. So the night wasn't a total loss.
Was last night real? Did I lick your forehead while you laid in between my legs while we laid next to your boyfriend?
You will never know an awkward moment until your parents pick you up from a one night stand.
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
i swear to god if you did anything to my honey bunches ill remove all the oats and shove them up your dickhole then play pinata with my foot to knock them all back out
So my mind was like YOU ARE TOTALLY GONNA MAKE IT TO CLASS TODAY but then my body was all LOL NO YOU AIN'T.
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
i just realized I haven't been laid all summer. So sad. What a waste of a perfectly good vagina.
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
Randomize
