Are you with Adam and his vodka?
Yeswdsssss I masde his pickle gi away ans he go anbnoued
I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
the dr. explained that the first big patch is called a herald patch since it's biggest. So his name is Harold the Patch.
Wow. You named your rash.
When did we start counting Thursdays as weekends?
When we got our fake ids in grade 11, why?
I just feel like it's time to start counting wednesdays as well...
in mid cry she says "I can be a whore if I want to"
where are you?
Hypothermia
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
I talk a lot when I drink rum. he was going down on me and i was telling him how i wished i could tap dance. oh god
Finals drinking + forgeting you had to take your ambien because you work at 6am mid paper= drunk logic which then entails going on a "detox" run. Puking your guts put in the field house bushes while some random guy says to you "its okay. We're marching on."
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
Do you remember telling those ppl that they need to mate and give you the baby and in 15 years you will all reunite and it will be a party?
Randomize
