Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
He's asking if he can send a dick pic. How do I politely decline that?
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
Although I feel like awkward kinda describes your entire sexual history...
I went in the closet and cried, then the bathroom and cried, and lastly he showed me his penis and I cried. It was a weird night.
I went over to help her build a porch, but we decided that was too much work, so we just got high and watched Scooby Doo
The front camera on the 5S is SO much better. This is great development for my international sexting.
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
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