Iiiiiii almost fall ib the lake
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating.
it's been a while because I don't count the hooker
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
Yea... you were given too many get out of jail free cards. God just gave up on you having a healthy and happy vagina.
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
Just because I also want a blowjob doesn't mean I don't want to just see you too.
Hows your mom
Shes good, she claims she wasnt drunk
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
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