My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
Home safe. Took me everything not to stop and pick up some random cat that looked like an ocelot tho.
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
My parents got me a bottle of vodka and a puke bucket for christmas. I've already used both.
I'm not sure what exactly you were planning, but you kept yelling that we were going to need a lot of midgets and a lawyer.
AND I HAVE A NICE COCK! A STRIPPER TOLD ME SO IT MUST BE TRUE!
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
Why is there a whip in the kitchen?
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
Randomize
