I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
How many times do you have to sleep with a guy before you get him to kiss you???
suntimes in life you find a rare opportunity, mine was bonin my gf in front of the tv
To say he's a good fuck is like saying the beatles had a bit of success. My vag is still mourning the fact he moved.
I'm questioning the dried chocolate syrup on my tits.
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
The strip clubs here are like a safari of penis, and I'm gonna bag me a rhino.
Can't a woman sleep on the floor in her own apartment in peace without being judged?
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
So let me get this straight I was getting drunk with our science teacher from high school and you got drunk with an 82 year old woman who invited you back to her house and made you sandwiches.
Yes.
Still fucking the ballerina?
She can put her legs behind her head.
Enough said
She lured me back to her place with pizza and tits. I was totally helpless
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