the ugly redhead just came into the bar, wearing a sombrero...by herself... who is going to tell her that its not cool to throw themed parties when you're the only guest?
Never fear I pulled out... she had "lies about taking birth control" written all over her
I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good.
just used clorox wipes to give myself a whores bath. hello finals week
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
well hes been the bathroom for like 15 mins so he either feels comfortable enough to puke/ shit in my apartment or he escaped out the window
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
Ack! That is the first dick pic I've ever received. A) congrats B) that is way grosser than I ever thought t would be.
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
Just smoked a joint with the hottest patient. God I love night shifts.
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
my lips are numb and my face feels like a pool. PENGUINSSSSSS
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