i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
I just sneezed cum. He better have a damn good day at work.
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
Yeah. It's a great diet plan tho. Just have sex every time you get hungry.
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
whose ass print is on the piano?
I woke up to find my purse full of puke, and all I could think was not again.
My main goal for tomorrow night is to make it back into my own bed
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
Randomize
