It was amazing what she could do with her one good arm.
I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
soo how bad was i last night?
licking sour cream off of the table at pancheros bad.
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
If you do that, i will make all sorts of uncomfortable comments about my nipples being soft
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
That girl is like a master class on how to be an unlovable crazy person.
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
Randomize
