sooo how much is appropriate to spend on a vibrator? what if it is really legit looking?
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
I told you it's awful. It looks like he was eating honey at a barbershop and tripped.
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
I mean, I'm twenty four years old and I've never paid for my own drink. You can't say that any of your ex girlfriends boobs are THAT great.
Serious question...Is it possible to get a DUI on a kayak?
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
I'm so glad I can be everyone's guide to the world of fucked up kinks
Ahhh the shame of taking out my recycling
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
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