Next weekend I am getting a library card and staying my whore ass home.
I texted her sayin "I gotta brush my teethn then Im omw" maybe hint to do the same
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
last night i found out that about 5 of my friends audio recorded us having sex through the bedroom door, then auto tuned it in the tpain app on his iphone.
After a valiant attempt at golf, I think it's time for Tiger to go back to doing what he does best- having sex w/ blond, white women.
do to the flooding of the park, there will be a midnight bikini mud wrestling party behind my dorm. all are welcome.
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
Let's get really high and wear fake mustaches and try not to laugh at each other...
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
I feel like death crawled up inside me and died. That sick
I thought I could grab a hold of my stream of urine. So she left pretty soon after that.
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
Randomize
