This random guy just introduced himself then said "So, I am staying at my friends place and he has a 4 year old, so we should probably go back to your house." WTF kind of vibes do I give off?
I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
He yelled "HERE COMES THE WARMTH" before he pissed his pants. In front of the whole party.
Haha he acted like he's never seen a tampon catapolt across the hall before
I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
apparently I kept repeating I have a to do list this summer and he's on it
I crawled to the bathroom this morning there were cornpops scattered on the floor? What was I doing last night?
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
I think someone shaved off all their pubes in the handicap stall or a werewolf stopped by the office to take a crAzy dump!
Randomize
