Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
sitting in my room in a shopping cart. they couldnt get my legs out of the holes. i want breakfast.
Cookies. Watch out fir falling satellites.
and lets be real... who can blow a middle school class's sunday school teacher and keep a straight face ever again? NOBODY.
I hope your sleeping good cuz when u wake up im punching you square in the face
Cops are just so fun an beautifuk
No more stories ab the wkend for co-workers... No one else found "and I didn't have pants on when I got home Saturday night" as funny as I did.
Also this guy in my contact as hairy jerry sent me a pic of him shirtless and said I miss you and I have no idea who he is /when or if I met him but that's not normal?!
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
All I remember is that I was trying to call my wolf pack by howling.
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
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