i didn't know falling asleep in the tbell line could get you a dui. Isn't everyone there stoned or drunk?
It's a big world.....someone has to fuck it.
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
Too bad you can't keep me under your desk. You'd love that wouldn't you? Massages, blowjobs, and I'd be forced to be quiet all day.
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If I believed in "responsibility" and "having limits", I would probably say I consumed too much alcohol in the last 48 hours
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
he forgot we were at my place and not his so he tried kicking me out of my own apartment by saying "so, you can go whenever you want...."
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I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
He wanted to watch the vow, cuddle, and not have sex. An upgrade is in order.
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
thank you for being so understanding of my weak stomach and poor self-control
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