i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
Yeah just got a blowjob at busch stadium during the cardinals game childhood dream realized
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
I did the walk of shame wearing his scrubs. Fucking med school students is the way to go.
We are there now. They have a giant cock and balls with an eagles face and wings.
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
But I REALLY want to hide my crazy for as long as possible with him so he'll date me.
Felt so good this afternoon, figured I wouldn't have a comedown. Wrong. Just realized I've been staring at a wall for 40 minutes contemplating the color yellow.
I don't think I used nearly enough fucks in my reply to convey the level of fuck him.
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
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