I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
Capitaan dildo arrescate!
No I remember falling down the stairs I just don't remember it hurting.
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
nothing like a walk of shame in front of a cnn news crew to start the morning off right
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
Okay let's look at your past accomplishments you've done hungover... Sat great score, academic decathlon, state for track. I think you are solid to go out tonight
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
I am now picking what guy I will hang out with based on how many Pokémon they live near.
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
i woke up wearing a life jacket, holding on to a footlong hotdog, and had on a mr. hustle 1995 shirt on
good night
I mean...if Marco gets pregnant, it is either the spawn of Satan or the second coming of Christ (neither of which I want in my life). So let's just hope that he doesn't grow a womb and that we don't have to consider either option.
Randomize
