Will you blow on my dice?
im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
She passed out in my bed last night before anything happened. She felt really bad about that, so she gave me head when we woke up this morning.
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
Dwarf fight at five guys. Today was a good day.
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
I just tried to roll over and fell off the bed. I think that is the beds way of kicking me out
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
Currently watching high school football on ESPN. Drink every time they say 'this kid's got potential' or 'look at this kid go' or 'atta kid' We're done for..
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
Randomize
