i jhust puked up my retainher.
There is no way when we get home that nothing will hapen
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
The problem with having your drunkeness documented at a wedding is not only does it show up all over facebook, but all over professional photography websites.
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
110% paid for our cab with a lap dance
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
If I got paid for every bad decision I've made I would be one rich bitch by now
I feel like dick that good should always be within a five kilometre radius of me.
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
The kitchen also doubles as a screaming room after midnight as long as you have something to muffle the sound
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
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