just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
I just paid $5 for a shot of el toro and the bartender wasn't even hot. Rock bottom.
how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
It's like his dick is pushing through his pants and driving him over here.
Ok fine. Wild. Free. Like a stallion set free in a beautiful meadow filled with flowers and sexy lady horses
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
Yea we slept in ur room but im 80% sure we didnt have any peanut butter in there
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
His dick is magical but I don't want to die in this blizzard do you see my dilemma
I appreciate having someone to objectively critique my dick pics.
All I could think about while we were fucking was what Hogwarts house he would be in
I just ate part of my sock, this has got to stop.
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
Randomize
