Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
this is like her 8th guy since december, is she wasn't frumpy people would call her a whore
i would never do something against you youre the best i ever had
please tell me you did not just intentionally quote drake..
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
The vagina on Hilton Head is mighty fine this time of year.
You were making out with a freshman and said you wanted to back to his place. Then when you got to the door to leave you said "never mind." He sad it wasn't fair and you got all serious and told him "welcome to the real world kid."
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
we superglued breast forms to his chest. those aren't coming off anytime soon.
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
I don't want to resort to having sex with people that actually like me.
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
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