sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
She's hot, in a Megan Fox with Down's Syndrome kinda way. Like, she'd win Miss Deliverance Pageant
At least she's the hottest one. Oh well, it's all about stats
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
Tried making out with pop rocks in my mouth. That shit is magical.
How can I politely yet provocatively ask you for a cock shot?
I got head this morning from the 31-year-old version of Jenn. It was like a blow job from the future while a simultaneous blast from the past for 10 minutes.
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
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