I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
the extent of background information i have on her is minimal, but it will get me in her pants
But when he came on my stomach I noticed how tan I was!
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
Just saw ur booking photo. Love that u were already wearing orange. Its like u knew
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
Bad things happen to those who bang their lab partner at the beginning of the semester.
But the guy you're fucking should not be within ten pounds of your weight when you're five fucking feet tall and he's 6'2". That's all I'm saying.
He paid the bartender with money from the tip jar then proceeded to hit on me in front of my date. I love frat dances
We got high and watched Winnie the Pooh. Isn't that what every normal person does on their break?
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
Friday is the holy day of drinking. Thou shalt observe the Sabbath. It's in the bible. Look it up bitch.
Your liver needs more exercise - we start training tonight.
im tired of guys just wanting to hook up with me. im like, guys, i know im pretty and i have a slammin bod and i love making out, but cant someone treat me with respect??
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