I think the recipie for awesome sauce is butter and semen
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
we knew you were done when they played It's All Coming Back To Me Now by Celine Dion and you started crying
she was rubbing her elbow against the fish tank and laughing hysterically then she said I'M THEIR FISHY GOD and watched harry potter
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
I guess I've just seen a lot of penises since then
I'm not having the "why are your fucking my daughter" talk and the "your a drug addict" talk with your mom tonight.
he doesn't sweat normal. maybe that's what THC smells like coming through the sweat glands...
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
One public bathroom does not equal a wedding vow
My ass is in a myriad of pain right now
Lesson learned - Taco Bell before a long night of BDSM is a BAD idea
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