Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
Dude... there's chunks of hair all over the floor, and no one knows how they got there. You guys just made out right?
Hes laying on the floorn in the bathroom telling Jesus to raise the flag
just when i thought i had forgotten how badthe sex was he comes across campus solely to say hi
Came to from my blackout with native american warrior facepaint on I'm too old for this shit
The facepaint not the blacking out
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
i feel like i am made of mashed potatoes. i love cannabis pills so. fucking. much.
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
Emergency thong? Check! Suspension bondage is a go!
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
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