she says her boyfriend and her dignity are both out of town tonight
Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
I hate the hobo that sits outside our building
Joe or Chris?
do i even wanna kno y u kno their names?
well i came home drunk one night and Chris offered me a beer as i was coming in, it was kinda weird but i wasn't goin to deny a free beer. you're proolly talkin about Joe though, he's the one with the fucked up eye.
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
I fucked a marine... I told him it was like personal revenge and he said he could live with that and that he didn't mind being used.
I feel like I had a successful night. I flashed the guy at the liquor store last night for 2 free tshirts and a giant redbull.
We walked around last night for hours saying nothing but nom nom nom and barking at each other.
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