In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
just gave another girl i passed on the walk of shame a high five
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
I feel like someone had their period in my eyes.
I'm sorry I got a little outta control last night.
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
Just so you know, a 6'7" tall gay man, with a martini in one hand and a fairy wand in the other, is not a force to be reckoned with...don't ask.
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
It's like some sort of initiation to finger one of them... so I did it. And got high fived afterwards like a dozen times.
Those were right hand only?
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
She came into the salon and said, "Don't judge me. Yes that's cum in my hair and I want a shampoo, cut and style."
My life is pants optional.
poll: am I friendzoned if he just called me brochacha? on one hand, he called me bro, but on the other, he used the a to make it feminine.
Randomize
