You know you love balls. Don't act all "I-Don't-Love-Balls-ish"
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
I just want you to know how happy I am that you are circumcised.
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
We had sex in the bathroom. Good sex. Toilet breaking sex.
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
I need to find parents that want to take care of a grown adult. I'm sure there's a website out there for that. Like a sugar daddy but sugar parents.
I woke up with $140 in twenties in my bra and have never been more puzzled.
Nothing like sunday church bells to aid your walk to the pharmacy to get plan b
Is there a tactful way to ask "how are your balls?" Or do I just ask point blank
HIS DICK IS SO AWESOME DUDE. 15/10 SURPRISE
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
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