he thinks he's going to hurt your feelings
He can't hurt my feelings
I don't have feelings.
Soo I have a handle of 100 proof captain, cupcakes, and nothing to get up for in the morning.. This blizzard is shaping up to be a great night.
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
Oh, and no balcony sex...trust me.
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
he went to the bathroom at 5am only to come back and squeeze my boob before going back to sleep
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
I have a bag of frozen peas on my vagina. If you want to talk about real problems.
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