A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
So I guess I passed out face first on the ground while trying to grill last night
I wonder if I could sublet my bathtub to anyone.
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
WHAT DID YOU SAW VERBATIM. VERBATIM IS SOBER FOR WORD FOR WORD
Shitshow foam night was such a success
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
As a courtesy going forward if you could not bang in my house that would be nice
just played fuck the dealer and thunderstruck with my physics ta. he is the third ta that i have drank with this semester, i think i'm getting good at college
i hooked up with all four beatles on halloween get on my level
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Randomize
