You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
Come get meeee. I'm stranded in the middle of no where with Paul (?). I think u puked on his friend.
Wish I didn't live with 3 girls so I could beat off in peace.
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
Omg. I bid $3000 on a cave in Afghanistan on EBay last night.
Right now I can't do anything that will ban me from donating plasma. That is a legit source of income for me.
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
He said "just hugs" and ran away screaming.
So it may have been laced, sue me.
I don't know what you slipped me, but my TV is vomming blood right now. Thanks, jerkoff.
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
You might see me up a tree with a deranged look in my eye , just walk away at that point
Randomize
