My Higher Power is John Stamos
I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
The problem with that is that my car has been stolen
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
I never said it was inaccurate, I said I hate you.
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
Come get me...at gazebo by side entrance....im passed out in a bush...this is a Bar A bouncer texting for your buddy
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
I feel like I got hit by a car. But a small car, like a Beetle or a Mini or something.
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