life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
They're sharing a mixed drink at a bar with straws...its like a disney movie with booze
I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
you got thrown out for pissing in a cup in the corner. you told one guy it was okay because you went to college and that he wouldn't understand
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
And leave it to John to ask the cabby to make a Porno in his cab
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
Is it really road head if took place on kayaks in the river?
Nothing says "Good Morning" like Jell-o shots and coffee cakes.
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
I'm gonna chug this bud light an might injure this high school penis, like I'm 17 again
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
He told me to keep watching the Grammys and then went down on me.. I think I'm in love.
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
I may or may not have puked near a bear on the side of the road this morning.
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