i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
Forever 21 now has a maternity line. Even more of an incentive for me to get pregnant at a young age.
Note to self: Don't teach the naked lap rule in beer pong until after youve made a cup..
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
No. He burped at a 3 year old, roared at him and proceeded to scream at the kid's parents to watch their child. The manager of Olive Garden was on our side.
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
I just had really awesome sex bent over the side of an air hockey table. That is all. Happy thanksgiving.
It was like something out of a fucked up fairy tale. He just crowdsurfed over to her while riding a keg, said "come sail with me", and then the crowd carried them off into the night. What.
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
I don't know, all I remember is waking up at 4 in the morning to him going down on me.
He ate me out in a limo while we were driving home. I love bars being open again!
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