Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
I dont care how high you are, meat and sprinkles dont mix dude
I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
She spent a lot of time to get her cleavage to look that good. It would be rude not to stare. It shows you are paying attention. Chicks dig that.
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
The impromptu 'dance party' was just three white dudes flailing arrhythmically in the kitchen in absolute silence. Stone cold sober.
You're a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a redhead
He and his ex stood there talking about going to get Chinese food while I was half naked searching for my panties
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
Randomize
