so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
all i wanna do is slam about 38 beers eat a whole pizza and wake up naked in the taco bell parking lot
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
You love him. Dinosaurs. Math. Sex.
I want the one making out with the dumpster. Is that bad?
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
You shouldn't do laundry high cus pink.
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
i feel like doing his laundry was not included in the job description when we became fuck buddies.
I have four things I would like to do over summer too... Problem is they're all roommates
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
Stopping for a booty call on the way to a lunch date... Bad form?
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
Randomize
