Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
i can now get sex on a playground off my list of things to do in life.
the next time i see a chick with leggings under her jean skirt...i'm gona beat her ass with a fashion magazine...
hes totally cute, too bad i slept with his father
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
his dad came out and found me sleeping indian style on the couch with my cup balancing on my boobs. didn't spill a drop.
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
He just stared into my eyes and touched himself. That isn't hooking up.
holy shit i just had sex in a phone booth i so feel young again
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
I didn't know it was possible and I don't know if I'll ever be able to do it again on my own but he literally fuck me sideways.
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