Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
Everything we own is covered in grass and KY
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
No. I want him to marry me so we can spend our lives together. I also want a to-scale model of his genitals to mount above my fireplace
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
Dude, who WASN'T thinking of motorboating her?
I'm gonna fight the coyote
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
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