and we just had intercourse last night so i'm exhausted, fucked up on adderol, emotionally broken and just pissed
So i'm in mason getting an ultrasound.. and there are a bunch of hicks in here with their wild ass children and this one young mom yells at her kid "harley sit!"
You should introduce yourself as garth. As in garth brooks.
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
Having drunken flash backs of me giving you a piggy back ride. I was like Jesus, and you were my cross. I fell so many times for you. This is true friendship.
she's sitting in the bathroom of SA telling people to come in for a toilet ride
Believe it or not I'm actually not the only person sitting in the back of the train covered in glitter and drinking whiskey out of an arizona iced tea can. Small world.
which guy lost his keys in my bed this weekend?
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
Aka reading hardcore gay robot porn as a steady trickle of elementary schoolers walk by me every so often and im still in uniform as there councilor
Who is also still dressed up as a pirate
Amazon.com "suggested" I buy both nipple clamps and opera gloves.
I jammed my finger giving him a hand job. Don't ask how, I'm still trying to figure that out.
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
In Texas. Drank way too much wine. Puked in a gallon zip lock bag. Passed out at 445 with the ENTIRE family here. Got up at 745 in time for dinner. I made you proud!!!
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
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