So now everyone thinks I don't know what a condom is
omg, I know. It's so embarrassing that we've both had his penis in parts of our bodies
Hey a mouth doesn't really count. A vagina counts more.
Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
And then i made him answer questions about me before i took off my clothes
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
After seeing how much you are able to funnel in a night, I am 90% sure your blood is pure gin.
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
He gave me a beer, petted my head, and called me kiddo.
well at least now you can say you got an STD from the frontman of a band no one's heard of
fuck you.
So what did you do since you didn't go out?
...ate chocolate and watched bring it on....it's like I don't even know what it would look like to be straight.
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
Randomize
