I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
Alli causes anal leakage. You can find someone to like you if you are fat but no one will like you if you poop yourself.
All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
He spent 6 hours at the ER after crashing a motorcycle and still came to the bar, Ofcourse I went home with him. He's my hero.
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
Well it's a moot point because I did have a sink & I peed in it.
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
You might call them booze related cuts, I call it "partying so hard you sweat blood"
We can get high as fuck when there are no orders. If not its cool. I just figured Take Your Blunt Buddy To Work Day.
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
We free pour in this house. Measuring alcohol is for the weak
Randomize
