I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
I go to guys houses late at night, have a little fun, come back by dawn having made their life a little bit better. I am the official blow job fairy.
Doing lines and watching a show on hot dogs around the world ... Why do I do this to myself
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
I sincerely thought making it to McDonalds by 10:00am was a shoe-in but it appears that I need to adjust my zoom when looking at the map before walking to places.
we're the same shoe size and he owns more pairs of heels than i do. this could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
After pissing all over her van its a lot easier to look her in the eye than I thought.
Day one of being single and I've came three times. I can get used to this.
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
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