Just got my rental car in Iowa...gas is under 2 dollars in des moines...this is not a real state
Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
Woke up in my own bed with a "New Years Eve 2011" bar bracelet on. Both of these things confuse me.
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
Just bought the plane tickets. Light headed. Blood rush to clit oh god blue clit. Mayday mayday vagina down!
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
People are stripping in McDonalds. Do I join?
YES.
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
Do you know this guy sitting in front of us? Asking for my vagina.
Yep. Just fucked a 34 year old on the football field where we both went to high school. That's a story for the grandkids.
Woke up with a glow stick in my boobs this morning. Must've dominated Sunday.
I may just have to resign myself to life in flats. He's a sexy little chipmunk that worships me.
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