Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
around noonish you got carried out for spitting water and throwing cups at old people...
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
Druken naked yoga : jus another ploy to keep your husbands eye in check
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
I'm at that point in my life where stripping isn't the worst thing I would do for money
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
I hope April is a better month for dicks. March has been very disappointing.
my underwear is inside out , I have a giant hickie. I'm wearing last nights makeup. this is going to be the best day at work ever
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
Randomize
