You'll put your fingers inside me but you won't be my FB friend?
There's a 34yo winking at me. Why do i find this weird when my bf is a 38yo married man?
Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
i need gas-x and some way to take back every single thing i did last night.
a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
she was eating donuts out of the garbage. enough said.
I think rescheduling my finals around when Im going to be hungover is responsible
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
Reading an example in the GRE study book referencing Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles while wearing TMNT pajamas. *airfist*
omg please tell me you're eating pizza right now too.
i think we sleep fucked last night...
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
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