she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
To make up for the snow days we missed he's making us write a paper on alcoholism. It's like he knows.
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
It took 5 minutes to find my bra.. in his car.
It's sad that my net worth at the moment is 4 beers
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
ALWAYS CAPS LOCK. IS THERE EVER A SITUATION THAT DOES NOT CALL FOR CAPS LOCK? NO.
Sexting? Sexting in caps lock seems rather unnerving.
I WANT YOUR BODY AND I WANT IT NOW.
I rest my case.
Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
What the matter? A girl can't play some Super Mario without being accused of being high?
I woke up to half of the whiskey bottle gone, and apparently I showered in my clothes. Pretty good start to SB2015 I'd say?
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
Be careful, there is sex in the air.
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
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