fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
Going to get yelled at but I labeled the reel "four dried up sluts decide going to the middle east to shop during a war is the best idea ever"
He bought me shots at the bar as his way of of paying me back for Plan B
i just wanna get shit faced and pass out in some random holly bush with a bucket on my head and stockings for shoes.
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
Look. When I let you cum on my tits don't fuck it all up by going "SKEET SKEET SKEET" it just pisses me off.
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
I mean, she's batshit insane and once choked a guy with one hand but she's still MILF material in my book.
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
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