I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
you ever get that eerie feeling when you walk in a room, when you know youve barfed here before.
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
I saw a stripper quit while on stage to months ago nothing you tell me will amaze me
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
I'm not sure what step "make amends" is, but my phone is on
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
well if they don't get here soon...no fuck it, I'm going to the strip club.
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
You're the only person I know who would go to New Jersey to give a blowjob and I have so much respect for you for it
I'm with jana at walgreens picking out penis rings.... Did you know they sell vibrators at walgreens? Wtf?
Randomize
