she said she'd blow me if I bought one of her sorority raffle tickets. Goddamn it's gettin easy
come on don't hate me. your brother looks just like you its almost a complement that i had sex with him.
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
uh...sober saturday NEVER has a good ring to it.
Do toy wanna orseer frim onedof tjose plaves? Sry textimg with globes on
Gloves*
Out of all the words to correct, you chose gloves??
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
Randomize
