He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
I justified spending $400 stocking my bar to my sister by saying it was an investment
Personally I think it's a tremendous investment
Im drinking in homer but I guess Egan got arrestest on an "assault by water ballon" charge but tom actually threw the water balloon in question at the bartender.
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
WHY IS IT FROWNED UPON THE DRESS UP IN CAT COSTUMES AND SIT OUTSIDE OF BARS WITH A BOX OF WINE I THOUGHT THIS WAS AMERICA
It was all fun and games until he noticed the hickey that he hadn't given me...
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
Haven't sucked a dick since mid December. In crisis mode.
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
We single women of America need to make America great again by refusing to fuck anyone who supports Trump.
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
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