hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
That's what you get for fucking someone nicknamed "wiggle worm"
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
We're already drunk. 4 hours to go still. And there's a bear advisory. TOP WEEKEND.
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
What's his name?? He crossfits 6 times a week, works in finance & is into the occasional felony class drug. His name is irrelevant in order to know if I wanna bone him again.
It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
Randomize
