Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
can i drink enough to forget this semester even happened?
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
He's sweet and rough. A wonderful contradiction. He's the starburst of sex.
That's how you know it was a good night if two months later you finally realized your skirt never made it home and you found out where it was.
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
My pants are on and I'm pretty sure I tried to throw them at someone.
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
Randomize
