i messed up with two guys last night...one i pranked and left the phone on..the other one i went crazy on trying to be his girlfriend after four jagermeister shots...
So random guy from last night came over tonight. I told myself I wasn't going to sleep with him but he had some killer dirty talk and a big penis in his arsenal...what was I supposed to do? Supposedly he lost his virginity to his wife and since their divorce a year ago I'm the 1st girl he's slept with, I feel like I just re-took his virginity...I feel like a rockstar.
he said my vag tasted like ravioli n pennies... i forgot I was on my period
nothing like walking down the street with a garbage bag of puke trying to find a dumpster
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
I think he's only dating me for my ass...
You got your ass kicked outside KFC on Tuesday
she keeps trying to brush her hair with leaves and insisting she's not high
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
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