I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
I can't believe I'm wasting this thong on a guy in a sweater vest.
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
she wanted to watch hairspray while we fucked. she's obviously your kinda girl, dude.
all i remember is being at the diner with her at 3am and her storming into the kitchen to make sure the chef gave me regular fries instead of home fries.
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
My liver just had a heart attack.
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
He can't just hit it and quit it and then eat your pop tarts on his way out.
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
Your youporn search history says otherwise.
I started keeping track of my period when I realized you had a better grasp of it than me.
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
Randomize
