No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
Yeaaah, so cabbie laughed at me, and said, "rough nite? Let me find you some music" . apparently OPP is the appropriate ride of shame soundtrack.
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
I don't remember... but I heard a cop threatened to pepper spay my dick
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
Afterwards he face timed like four of his friends screaming he banged the hot intern.
I'm trying to drink up the confidence to run in public.
He's stripped out of his boxers and is dancing and slapping his dick with string cheese...I don't know whether to call for help or take a video.
Randomize
