Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
Also thongs make me have to fart a lot.
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
The story about him having a girlfriend changed real fast when he found out that I was a gymnast
After he came he asked what I was doing for thanksgiving.
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
For a pair of gay men you destroy a lot of vagina.
Care to explain the single rose and the package of "Cowboy Moustaches" I found on the porch?
Her ex was at the party her housemates were having. He knocked on her door asking how she was while we were going at it. Turns out they were trying to work things out. Don't think I'll ever forget his face when we walked out of her room.
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
Randomize
