I wish I could teleport
i dont know what it is, i just found it in my pants.
Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
Yes but from my experience being high around your own baby makes you feel like the worst kind of mom
I was like a damn cattle dog, I separated all the sheep, I can wing man for anyone on this campus.
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
For the first time in my life, I may be the most normal person in the room.
Update: I am definitely the most normal person in this room. And the least tattooed.
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
I knew it was on when all she had to say about the handcuffs was 'I really hope these adjust tighter!'
Can I put tequila in the fish bowl? I think he wants to party too
What conversation warrents "penis" in rainbow comic sans
Randomize
