we left the bar for like 10 minutes last night and moved his car so it wouldnt get towed. neither of us have a clue where it is right now.
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
Was just told that I was slipped 2 hits of acid in my in flight drink before takeoff. 8 hours to Germany wish me luck
Maybe not, but you have to admit watching him get hit by the car was gratifying
I've got to admit, I'm a little hesitant about giving him road head. I've seen how he drives and I've seen how he acts when I give him head. A small part of me is saying this is going to end badly.
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
It was easier that asking where the vagina platter is.
i feel like when you brought up the possibility of you getting pregnant the sexting is over
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
Tinder recommend to a friend: making threesomes easier since 2016
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
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